I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
