I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
even my farts smell like vagina
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
