i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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