I got chris browned last night
Don't make out with my wife yet
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
