we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
