even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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