i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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