Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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