beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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