I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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