What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We need to get me chipped asap
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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