Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
