I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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