First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Bring me that man meat
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
