Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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