the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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