I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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