To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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