i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
