The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
