your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
