I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
