I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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