I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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