I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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