I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
