it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
