clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
