Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Floor bacon is actually really good
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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