Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
