Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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