Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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