Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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