So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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