The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
