First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
