I will die if light touches me.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
this boner is exhausting
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
