I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's shark week go big or go home
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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