Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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