nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
