she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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