I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
