My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
