ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
