Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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