Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
