I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
