I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
