I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
