I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
